Sunday, October 14, 2012

to the man who is not my boyfriend

who i dare to call boyfriend anyway

it has been brought to my attention that maybe i don't give you enough credit. maybe i am busy breaking your heart because i'm afraid you'll break mine. then again, perhaps you don't really care. i'll list signs that you do...

you've been out with me six times even though we can't do all the things you like to do, like grab a drink, or go to a lounge, because i'm too plan every single one of our dates. apparently men don't do this.
you plan future dates every time they come up. "we have to go to mini golf before it closes for the winter" "let's see the new james bond movie when it comes out" "there's this great italian restaurant i have to take you to." "one weekend, let's just rent a car and spontaneously go to atlantic city. you promise?"
last night over dinner, you said many things about 'like'. "i think that's part of the reason why i like you." "i like you." "i like you more than you like me."
after dinner, you want me to stay the night, even if it doesn't mean sex for you. "i'd still rather have you here than not here." "if you're too tired, we could always go back to my place and just sleep."
after sex, you want me to stay the night.
in the middle of the night, you wrap your arm around me, or rub my skin, or hold my hand, or kiss my head.
in the morning, you tell me, "i like waking up next to you."
in the morning, you want to make me breakfast.
in the morning, when i have to leave, you still ask me to stay.
in the morning, when YOU have to leave, you still ask me to stay.
this morning, i think you were disappointed today that i didn't stay.
after i leave, you text me throughout the day. random things and pictures. things that remind you of me, things that are just funny, because you want to share them with someone, because i'm the person you go to share things with.

and i like all of these things about you. so maybe i don't give you enough credit, darling. but you are still not my boyfriend.

last night, during the movie, i couldn't help but feel distant from you, though we sat right next to one another, though your hand rested on the inside of my thigh the entire time. i couldn't help but think of the inexplicability that our relationship will end, sooner than later.

later, we were drinking so of course i was talking too easily. you saw our texts and you asked, "why is my name 'lord asshole' in your phone?" i laughed and told you that wasn't the worst. under your notes was 'booty call.' then i pulled up my full list of 'booty calls' and laughed. you asked me if the list was current? almost, but not quite. i only shook my head. "no, it's not current," i said, and i may have repeated it for emphasis. i haven't even been out with another man in a few weeks, even if i talk to them every day. i took the 'booty call' out of your name and showed you.

before bed i laid my head on your chest, you ran your fingers through my hair, and i thought again about how our relationship will end. i told myself i could not stay in the morning, in fact i'd be up before you were and sneak out. and that i'd never see you again. i woke up at seven and didn't want to leave your bed.

this morning you brought up that you were just a booty call. i laughed and told you you weren't just a booty call anymore, you had been promoted from that. "promoted to what? what am i now?" i told you i didn't know yet...i wish i had pursued that conversation more. maybe it would have led to the talk that we need.

you kissed me on the lips and left me in bed to go play racquetball. you asked me if i'd be around when you got back? "maybe," i said. "well what the fuck does that mean? that's not the answer i was looking for." "what's the answer you were looking for?" "i was hoping you'd say 'yes'." "i'll surprise you."

i made your bed and i left before you got back; when i got home i wondered if i should have stayed?

i think in that moment i missed you, and i think, that is why i am afraid you'll break my heart.

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