Wednesday, October 17, 2012

i already miss you

"good morning" i say. you smile, and reply "i like waking up next to you."

i always wake up before you; not only that, but i barely sleep through the night. your bed was very comfortable at first, but isn't quite comfortable anymore in the spot that we broke it - that's the side i always sleep on. after we finish you always get up, put on your clothes and go to the bathroom, wash your face, come back to bed. i put on my underwear and your t-shirt, lay there. wish i had a toothbrush, or even the energy to get up and pee. you kiss my head when you come back, lay close next to me and wrap your arm around my body. sometimes you'll hold my hand. you try to fall asleep, try to share a pillow with me, eventually we give up on that and you roll over and face the other way, find your own space. in the middle of the night we go through this a lot. it doesn't work sleeping right next to one another as much as we'd like it to. i sleep better when i am at home than when i am with you. your pillows are too fluffy. i'm awake at six in the morning, looking at the sun, watching the clock on one of your three computer monitors, waiting for it to reach a time where i can get up and leave. i could leave right when i wake up but i never want to. i should leave right when i wake up. finally you wake up, you come towards me, grab my waist, press your body against mine, touch my hair and move it and start to kiss the back of my neck. i know what you want. i let you touch me a little, i turn towards you and start to touch you too, before you know it we're at it again, and after the deed is done we lay there just as exhausted as last night, naked, looking at one another. i run my fingers over your body while you're still unclothed because you're always so quick to dress, i like to be naked when i can. you get up, put on your clothes, wash your face, go to the kitchen, ask if i want breakfast? and i say no, i have to go, you tell me i'm lying, i'm a bad liar, you say, that i'm just looking for an excuse to get out of there. or you get up, put on your clothes, wash your face, come back to me after i put on my underwear and your t-shirt and sit up on the edge of the bed. you grab my waist and pull me back down into bed. i turn over and look at you. you ask me if i have any plans for today? i try to think of any and can't, i finally say no, you say i usually have an excuse to get out of there, you get up, say you're going to racquetball, tell me i can stay and wait for you to come back if i want. i tell you maybe i'll stay.

i leave. i always leave. and i miss you when i do

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

all things must end

especially this.

i am tired of my anxiety and not being able to enjoy myself when i am with you because i know in my heart you wish i was older just as much as i do. we can't ever have the connection to be a real couple because i am so young.

if you told me i've been looking for an excuse to end things, you're correct, and here it is. you cancelled on me today because you have to work late. i told this to my roommate and she stared at me with a blank face. "...what? that's why you're breaking up with him?"

yes and no. you cancelling on the plans i made gives you the upperhand, for one, which i feel uncomfortable with because at times i feel you already have it. that's why i feign aloofness and am so mean to you, so i have the upperhand, so you have to chase me. but i'm losing it, and as soon as it's gone, you will be as well. you told me yourself that you get bored easily.

i won't be the type of girl who gives you the chance to get bored of me.

currently, the only thing making me think i should stay, is that you wanted to watch the new james bond movie with me when it comes out next month. and when i hear skyfall i won't be able to think of anyone but you.

every woman thinks it would be great to date a man who was in a stupid frat in college and used to be a nationally ranked golfer and comes from a ton of money and makes a lot of his own, who hangs out in lounges in drinks expensive liquor and takes you out to his favourite steak restaurant and knows what you're going to order before you even get the menu. and maybe it would be great to date a man who is all of these things, on the off chance that you find one who is not so arrogant, who doesn't brag about the women he's dated who have bought him BMWs and doesn't belittle the barely-above-minimum-wage work you do and doesn't mind kissing you in public after you've been out on six dates and isn't everything a republican is and wouldn't even think to ask about a threesome, even if he knows he fucked up and changes the subject after he does it anyway.

and even if every time you ask me why i am so adamant that you're a terrible person i can't give you a straight answer, because you do treat me fairly well, it should say enough that i know in my heart you are.

life is about knowing when to walk away...
so goodbye vienn. i'll miss you darling. we had a fun run, but all things must end. especially this. xo

not that i'd ever admit it out loud

"when was the last time i saw you?"
"last wednesday i think."
"feels like much longer than that."
"too long?"
"not that i'd ever admit it out loud, but, yeah."

"You’re lucky that “I miss you” is part of your vocabulary — the rest of us have to get creative, find alternatives like happy thanksgiving or what was that book you recommended again or even silence, on occasion."

Sunday, October 14, 2012

to the man who is not my boyfriend

who i dare to call boyfriend anyway

it has been brought to my attention that maybe i don't give you enough credit. maybe i am busy breaking your heart because i'm afraid you'll break mine. then again, perhaps you don't really care. i'll list signs that you do...

you've been out with me six times even though we can't do all the things you like to do, like grab a drink, or go to a lounge, because i'm too plan every single one of our dates. apparently men don't do this.
you plan future dates every time they come up. "we have to go to mini golf before it closes for the winter" "let's see the new james bond movie when it comes out" "there's this great italian restaurant i have to take you to." "one weekend, let's just rent a car and spontaneously go to atlantic city. you promise?"
last night over dinner, you said many things about 'like'. "i think that's part of the reason why i like you." "i like you." "i like you more than you like me."
after dinner, you want me to stay the night, even if it doesn't mean sex for you. "i'd still rather have you here than not here." "if you're too tired, we could always go back to my place and just sleep."
after sex, you want me to stay the night.
in the middle of the night, you wrap your arm around me, or rub my skin, or hold my hand, or kiss my head.
in the morning, you tell me, "i like waking up next to you."
in the morning, you want to make me breakfast.
in the morning, when i have to leave, you still ask me to stay.
in the morning, when YOU have to leave, you still ask me to stay.
this morning, i think you were disappointed today that i didn't stay.
after i leave, you text me throughout the day. random things and pictures. things that remind you of me, things that are just funny, because you want to share them with someone, because i'm the person you go to share things with.

and i like all of these things about you. so maybe i don't give you enough credit, darling. but you are still not my boyfriend.

last night, during the movie, i couldn't help but feel distant from you, though we sat right next to one another, though your hand rested on the inside of my thigh the entire time. i couldn't help but think of the inexplicability that our relationship will end, sooner than later.

later, we were drinking so of course i was talking too easily. you saw our texts and you asked, "why is my name 'lord asshole' in your phone?" i laughed and told you that wasn't the worst. under your notes was 'booty call.' then i pulled up my full list of 'booty calls' and laughed. you asked me if the list was current? almost, but not quite. i only shook my head. "no, it's not current," i said, and i may have repeated it for emphasis. i haven't even been out with another man in a few weeks, even if i talk to them every day. i took the 'booty call' out of your name and showed you.

before bed i laid my head on your chest, you ran your fingers through my hair, and i thought again about how our relationship will end. i told myself i could not stay in the morning, in fact i'd be up before you were and sneak out. and that i'd never see you again. i woke up at seven and didn't want to leave your bed.

this morning you brought up that you were just a booty call. i laughed and told you you weren't just a booty call anymore, you had been promoted from that. "promoted to what? what am i now?" i told you i didn't know yet...i wish i had pursued that conversation more. maybe it would have led to the talk that we need.

you kissed me on the lips and left me in bed to go play racquetball. you asked me if i'd be around when you got back? "maybe," i said. "well what the fuck does that mean? that's not the answer i was looking for." "what's the answer you were looking for?" "i was hoping you'd say 'yes'." "i'll surprise you."

i made your bed and i left before you got back; when i got home i wondered if i should have stayed?

i think in that moment i missed you, and i think, that is why i am afraid you'll break my heart.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

for once, i actually agree with you

i don't care to call this anything anymore. i am distancing myself from it. i am i and you are you.

we had sex, finally. you go too quickly, what's the rush? "i like these actually. white is good on you," you'd said. then later, "i can't get the image of you in those white underwear out of my head."

i was mean to you, perhaps meaner than usual, i texted you first, we carried on a casual conversation all day, you brought up that i'm mean. said you wanted to get me drunk, because i promise i'm sweeter when i am. more affectionate, that's for sure. but do you like affection? i want to wrestle with you beneath the sheets, next time. more tension. make you work for it. i want you tonight...but i'll wait. i'll make you wait. you said, "is it weird that the verbal abuse turns me on?"

i know why the verbal abuse turns you on. it's because handsome you, you're used to being given everything you want. you like the challenge, you like that i make fun of you. you want my standards to give you something to live up to, work towards. i don't give you the satisfaction, and you try to take it from me. you love to dominate me, throw me down, put your hands around my neck and pull my hair. slap my ass. i bite and scratch your skin, pull your hair. you take my hands away from me and hold them so i have no control. i said, "no, it's not weird. it works for our dynamic."

you said, "for once, i actually agree with you."

we have a dynamic, that's it. and you turn me on.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

you are just a man

i cooked salmon for you, practicing for days to perfect the recipe. you admitted that your name was not vienn, after i, sneakily, brought it up. we watched the debate together...tried to watch the debate together. ended up doing something else together, though i'm still holding out a little longer. i have better self-control than i thought. and i am more calm than i thought. and i have realised that you... are just a man. you are twenty-four, you make a lot of money, you have your own place, you are well-dressed, well-groomed, very handsome, and very much like me. we have a lot of chemistry but already i am becoming comfortable with you; maybe the boredom will come sooner than i thought, and if it does, will it be a bad thing? because you are just a man.

you are just a man. you are not perfect, too good for me, or my magical pair by any means. you are just a man that i happen to be seeing, and happen to like. should i stop seeing you? life will continue on, you will have been fun while you lasted, maybe i'll feel lonely from time to time, not having anyone to look forward to seeing anymore.

but i won't be sad. you are just a man i am dating. i've done this all before