Thursday, September 27, 2012

what's better than a free meal? nothing

"ping pong or pool? your choice." you had asked. we played pool already, but though i'm no good at ping pong, though i knew i'd look ridicuous, i couldn't resist seeing you in your suit and leather shoes and dignity going after a small orange table tennis ball that i'd be hitting wildly and wrongly across the room. we met at spin at 7:15 - i'd said we should both try our best to be on time. i had meant to ask you how your week had been, but instead we got absolved into conversation about what we'd like to be reincarnated as - i, a snow leopard, you, a that you can fly and shit on people. oh vienn.

but the ping pong place was full; we went to our other spot, society billiards, and it was full as well. finally we walked to amsterdam billiards...i think it may have been the spot i was at with paul. i didn't notice. i had better company this time, though you beat me. we played darts as well, and tied. you would touch me each time you walked by, perhaps claiming me. you'd slap my ass when i was about to throw, messing me up, making me laugh, making it clear that you didn't mind that people saw that we were together. later you asked me to tell you you were a gentleman. i said it, upset, i said it again, laughing, and finally said it, maybe meaning it, in a low, sultry voice, and you kissed me. our first public kiss. we made ridiculous bets, if i were to win, you'd have to call me 'duchess', bow every time i entered the room and open every door for me, forever. forever including every after life, when you'll be a falcon and i a snow leopard, and when i see you in hell. "it'll be hot down there," you said.  wonderful observation. if you won, i'd have to buy dinner later and open the door for you. "what's better than a free meal?" you asked me. "nothing." you won but neither ended up happening, even though i had no problem buying dinner, i went for the check and you said 'no.' i argued with you, saying i needed to honor my bet, and you said as long as i made you dinner next week it'd be fine.

the conversation that night was different. you said you'd been thinking about it earlier in the day - when you were 18, i was 12, and didn't that make you a pedophile? i laughed, but only because you don't really seem to mind. i wonder to what extent it bothers you, because i know it bothers me everyday, and i know that when we cease to see each other, it will be because of my age more than anything. sigh. you told me that your longest relationship was 6 months, your shortest, 45 minutes. you get bored easily, you said.

i'm glad you're going out of town this weekend, because otherwise i'd see you possibly twice more, we'd finally be intimate with each other, and maybe you'd be bored sooner. maybe i should stop worrying and just enjoy my time with you? but i want it to last. but i'm tired of being in relationships where i'm miserable because i think too much. i don't trust this anyway. i may as well just stop expecting this to go anywhere. but i already know that i'll miss you when you leave.

at dinner i ordered a glass of wine, you ordered whatever terrible thing it is that you drink, i tried it, i don't understand it, it must be a man thing. we talked about relationships. at our last dinner you had asked me my pet peeves? i said liars. no matter how bad something is, just tell me. it's a cliche but it hurts so much less. i'd rather be injured than deceived, nothing surprises me anyway, but don't pretend to care when you don't. you agreed, wondered how i felt about cheating? i admitted that i'd been cheated on, you'd been cheated on too, i tried to cheat as revenge and i just couldn't. why be with someone to cheat on them, i wondered. again, you agreed...i hope you really do agree.

you talk a lot of things you'd like to do with me. you want to take me to quality meats, before you take me to the mexican brunch place around the corner from your house, you're going to take me to your favourite 21+ date spot once i get my fake id, when the presidential debates come on, you said you want me to come over, and we get fucked up on wine or tequila or anything, and just cuddle and watch them and talk shit to each other. i laughed because that sounds perfect. it is not as hard to be with someone who is your ideological opposite, because you know mitt is a douche, you know he's stupid, you know republicans are selfish. you just hope to pay less taxes, which i think is fair. as president i'd create another tax bracket. you asked if i'd make you my vice president, maybe my vice dictator. i said no, not a chance. you said, "you don't have a lot of faith in me, do you?" i don't. should i? maybe you've shown me i should.

we talked about more things i'd do as president. i think you were impressed with the thought i'd put into my plan of overhauling jail, my concern with homeless rehabilitation shelters. i am proud of those ideas and you appreciate them. you seemed sleepy, said you didn't want to go to pink elephant, a place where i'd be able to enter despite my age, you made sure of that, i sometimes think you don't mind my age too much, it's hard when we can't go somewhere because i'm 18. but anyway you didn't want to go, because i think my demeanor is not one that suggests partying. maybe the girls you've been with before are different? they have vitality. i have conversation. we have good conversation when we're together, you feel comfortable, you want to go home and chill, that's what you've said twice now, and i think it's about me. does that mean you could possibly settle down with me? or that i'll bore you eventually. it is important to me that you wanted to go, that you would've introduced me to your friends, that you don't mind being seen with me, that you've seen me three days in a week and maybe i'll see you three days next week, who knows. that'll be six days total we'd have spent together so far. feels like i know you far more intimately than three dates.

you said you get bored, and to be fair, i said i don't get feelings anymore. perhaps this isn't true because i know i like you, but i don't know that i'll ever really give myself to you. it'd be stupid. then again you are just like me, maybe it could work. you said that 95% of the girls you go on a first date with you never see again, because they're boring, they have no personality, they just don't get you. i understand you too well, we are so alike it scares me. you said "feelings aren't such a bad thing if you share them with the right person." i know you like me vienn; i like that you like me. you said the food wasn't great but the company was. you held my waist as i thanked you, and we kissed each other, just a peck, but slow and tender. you touch me every time you walk by; i know you like me vienn. you put your arm around me on the corner, you fully grab me when i cross the street. you've planned so many dates for us, you text me smilie faces, you want to take me to quality meats next friday when you get home from your business meeting in atlanta. alright. i'll see you then sweetheart.

i know you like me. i know i like you. i'm not going to worry about it, i don't want to taint it with my misery. i'll see you soon, i'll enjoy you while you're around; i'll miss you once you're gone.

but your name is not vienn...?

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